Okay, since previous entry seems to make little sense to people, possibly since I posted it with no explanation whatever, here would be the point. I was thinking about the statement as it applied to love between two persons. Obviously, there are lots of people who aren't meant to be together. But hopefully there is in fact someone out there for everyone, and how things would be between two such specific people. I was thinking of it in the sense of the inevitability of love between two people who are right for one another. Being so right that all it would take is enough time. I like that idea. Hence, should I ever find the right person, having it engraved on wedding bands. Does that make any more sense now?

The New Year (and the Old... In Retrospective)

Honestly, there were times when I thought that 2004 would never end. So Happy New Year to all my online friends and hopefully Happy New Year to myself as well. This has probably been the most dramatic/traumatic year of my life so far. This year will likely be very exciting and demanding, but hopefully with a bit less drama. It's so hard to classify this past year as either good or bad, since it contained enormous great sweeps of both, but it certainly can't be counted as a normal year.

This yeah shall henceforth be referred to as the year of the mood swing, since that's basically what it's felt like. There was the impossibly slow and painful deterioration of my relationship with Terr, and then the surprising relief of breaking up with him and not feeling too terrible (having done my grieving for months at a time earlier.)

The stress of all this was somewhat lessened by graduating from law school. There was definitely a tremendous feeling of accomplishment to walking across that stage and kneeling to receive the doctoral hood. And far sweeter was the mental "fuck off" I sent to every teacher who used to complain about my lack of conformity, organization or discipline.

However, it wasn't pleasant to have his family in my home for a cocktail party the next day after the breakup since he refused to tell his family. That was beyond awkward. You know, I never even sent them a thank you note. What would I have said, "Thank you for the lovely earrings, and my apologies for having dumped your son the night before you gave them to me, and sorry you raised such a wuss that he wouldn't tell you so you could've kept the earrings for yourself, since you've always hated me anyway." Somehow I doubt that would have gone over well. Although it probably would've been therapeutic to write.

For that matter, having him in the same apartment during bar prep was a bit of agony. He wouldn't leave my bedroom for almost two months despite my many tantrums and the fact that we had two fully furnished bedrooms.

And then there was bar prep in and of itself. I majorly slacked. I did less work than almost all of my friends and was completely convinced I shouldn't bother taking it because I was certainly going to fail and I was completely depressed. The exam itself was almost a relief. Again, it appears I do my grieving for things well in advance. But then the four month wait for my results began, and there wasn't even any point in worrying because I couldn't do anything about it one way or the other.

Unfortunately, not having results means I also couldn't really make any sort of plans. So in August I did the nearly unthinkable and surrendered my independence, and moved back in with my parents. Thank god for my beloved dog or I think I would've gone insane. Sometimes I still worry about going insane. Although I love to talk and be friendly, I'm far too private a person to live with people and share my space. Even though I adore my family, I hate being with them all the time. Anyhow, August and September passed in a rather cultural shocked sort of blur, as did October. I became interested in two men, and by November knew nothing would work with either of them.

However, in November I did get a bit of a pickmeup. (A much much MUCH needed one, I am forced to admit.) Not only had I passed the bar, I actually did rather extraordinarily well. Since my ego and pride have had a bit of a beating this year, this was much needed news. I like to think it helped propel me through my first holiday without a significant other in a really really long time.

Lastly but not least, there is someone I'm rather interested in as of late, although I'm not altogether certain what to do about it. I'm sure I'll manage to fuck it up one way or another. He's a classical pianist who adores everything about finance, owns his own business and quite possibly dresses better than I do. If such a thing is possible. And he plays Rachmaninov! And chess!! He's also besotted by large dogs, sings and has a true passion to be rich. So in short he has a lot more in common with me than anyone else I've been interested in. But, as I've said, I'm sure I could still fuck it all up, as I seem to have a gift for such things.

So 2005 starts off in an interesting place. I'll be sworn in to the bar in almost exactly two months. I'll officially be an attorney and I'll start earning money. Hopefully I'll be able to move out with my pup within the year to a triplex or a quadruplex that I can also use as rental property. I should be able to open my own law office. And just maybe I'll find someone right for me to share it all with. So here's a Happy New Year to all my friends and loved ones, and my heartfelt wishes for us all that it's an improvement on 2004.
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful

from cori..

In your journal, post the following questions and then answer them...

1. If you could meet any musical superstar who would it be and why?

If I had to go from today's time I would probably go with Madonna. Not only did she in essence create a whole new genre of female artists, she's also an astounding business woman which I admire immensely. And although she's made an ass out of herself on occasion, she'll always try something new.

2. If you could only save 1 item from your home/life excluding pets, what would it be?

Um.. god. No idea. I'd guess the photo albums since those things are truly unable to be replaced. Also, not sure how all this stuff would disappear, but those things would likely mean the most to my parents as well. So since I share a home with them, I'd try for what I think would MEAN the most to them. Although it's a real toss up between that and our jewelry. Generations worth with immense sentimental value.

3. What was your favorite toy while growing up?

Again, don't know. I spent time reading more than playing with any particular toy, and also did a lot of games based on imagination. I was hugely big on make-believe. If I had to pick a physical object I would pick my lil record player and read along books/records that I taught myself to read with.

4. If you had to dress in one color for the rest of your life, what color would it be?

Definitely black. I think it's what I own the most of now anyway, and if I'm going to be that bored wearing just one color for the rest of my life, I'm damn well picking something I can wear all my jewelry with.

5. What was your least favorite subject in school?

Math. No question. I always knew the answers before the teachers explained how we should be getting them, so I never learned to explain myself in the subject properly. So I'd have test papers full of correct answers worth no points.

6. If you could be great at any sport, what would it be?

Ballroom Dancing

7. If you could have any 1 super power, what would it be and why?

I saw one person write the ability to grant wishes, but that's not what I'd generally consider a superpower. If it were I'd certainly pick that, but I can't think of a superhero who does that... I'd probably pick some form of mind reading or clairvoyancy.

8. How many cds or mp3s are in your current collection? (an estimate is ok)

cds - not too many, I never actually listen to cds, since I can't really afford them. mp3s - between 1500 and 2000??

9. What year was your favorite birthday? (ie. "my 19th birthday")

Huh. In my family birthdays aren't huge things. We're all about Christmas. I also have an odd tendency for really sucky birthdays. Examples being my 21st when I'd had my wisdom teeth taken out the day before and my 18th where I'd just gone to college and my parents threw me a huge party there which managed to mortally offend three girls on my floor who happened to have the same birthday and had to be without their families.

10. If you could swap places with any rich/famous person, who would it be and why?

George W. Bush because goddamn I could do so much better.

Ten most defining moments

Just cause everyone else I know seems to be doing it..... This is actually really hard, because I don't know that I *have* ten defining moments. But it seems like something that would be useful to think about.

1. My first piano lesson as a young child. Being a pianist defined a great deal of my identity throughout middle and high school, and it was certainly what I was best known for. And I suppose it all started with the very first lesson.

2. Being rejected from the National Honor Society in high school for reasons that had nothing to do with academics and everything to do with my beliefs. Or rather, the fact that I *spoke* my beliefs outloud. This was one of the first times I realized that rewards weren't always based on merit and that life is indeed not always fair. At least I get the pleasure of snickering that no one else in my graduating class received a Doctorate.

3. Meeting Justin, Maria and Patrick - aka - my 9th grade metamorphasis. These three people influenced me in high school more than any others. In fact, perhaps more in life, because I've become less easy to influence as I grew older. I basically befriended them all in the same year, more or less. These were the "strange people", whereas before I'd always been so careful to do what was expected of me. Justin had moved to my tiny town from San Francisco. He exposed me to music beyond top forty, was the first person I knew who used drugs, and exposed me to my own sexuality He also eventually relieved me of the burden of virginity, but after everything else that was just anti-climactic. ;-) 'Ria was the most independent and free spirited person I've known, who showed me I was more than a cookie-cuttered Gap-clad chick. She also introduced me to the concept of charisma, largely by telling me that were I to remove the stick from my ass, I'd have more of it than anyone she'd ever met. (Note, this was basically in our first convo, after I'd told her off for not listening during choir. We were clearly destined to kick the shit out of one another, or be fantastic friends.) And Patrick was the gentle soul, and the first step to lessening my sometimes tremendous bitchiness. He was the dreamer, the poet, the one you always wanted to protect. I'm not in touch with any of them now, but I'll always be grateful for their influence.

4. Discovering the internet. Found the internet and the world of talkers at age 18, my first semester of college. Unlike many people, I have never changed my online identity, and for the rest of my life I will always consider Licentia to be a large part of me. Licentia was of GREAT assistance in determining who Jillian was, and who Jillian turned out to be. Actually, also who I'll continue to evolve into, because I don't think I'm done.

5. Dropping out of college. Believe me, when you're the "smart one", such a thing does not come easy. First time I ever really gave up on something, although obviously I did in fact go back. Furthermore, this was the absolute first time I did something that utterly appalled my parents. It took them a great deal longer to recover from it than it took me.

6. Rick. Rick was a relationship who was a disaster too big for a live journal to contain. But if not for him, I would never have found Buffalo, and would never have had to flee back to academia to escape him. He was a complete and utter nutcase, but he led me to a place that I've loved more than any other, and he gave me a complete and total drive to conquer academia, which I believe I've done in not-too-shabby a fashion.

7. Falling in love for the first time. I've only said I love you to two men in my life. Falling in love was such a relief since I was so scared I was incapable of it. It was more difficult and more brief than I would've liked, but it was just so nice to know it was a possibility that I still was grateful to the guy involved

8. Receiving my LSAT scores. This was such a moment for me. I'd always thought about being an attorney, but really hadn't known if I could do it. Going to one of the state's WORST ranked school districts had left me with a LOT to compensate for during college. Simply put, I didn't know shit. And worse, I didn't really know how to think outside the box. Hell, I barely knew there existed thought outside the box. Anyhow, I grew tremendously, both emotionally and intellectually in college, and receiving these scores for admittance to law school was such an affirmation. I knew I'd get into law school just on this one test alone, if nothing else. And it also confirmed that that being able to think outside the box while remaining firmly grounded in it WAS good for something. Because law is nothing if not being creative while bound by shitloads of rules. ;-)

9. Breaking up with Terr. This was the end of a five year relationship, although I don't think I loved him with all the passion I'm capable of. I was scared to death that I wouldn't be strong enough to walk away, and it took a long time (months and months and months) to make the decision. However, I am so much happier having made it, even being alone currently.

10. Passing the New York State Bar Exam. This occurred just last week, and I don't know if it has sunk in yet. Not only did I pass, I did *well*. Considering that this fell around the time of the breakup with Terr, I was a bit surprised I was able to keep it all together and function at a high level. This passage essentially defines me as an attorney. Not a student, but as a functioning professional adult, a day which I often thought would never come. Actually, it's not official till I'm sworn in, but for all intents and purposes the work has been done and I have been found worthy. Which is nice to know. And it opens the door for the rest of my life, however it may be, to occur.

And there you are. Ten.


Okay. After much obnoxiousness and help from like four people, (thank you all) I think I might have gotten a pic on here. It was much larger and much clearer when the process began, and you really can't see that the reddish stuff surrounding my face is hair, but what the hell. It's a start. It's quite pathetic that I'm kind of proud of getting this on here, but lord knows I've never managed such a feat before. Although, with all the help (see above) I suppose I didn't really manage it now!

Today's to do list.

Okay. I have been such a slacker about this bar exam thing. (Bad bad monkey!) I have compiled a to do list for today. If and when it's complete, I get to go buy something fun. If not, I just keep working till it's done. I figure maybe eight or nine hours for the following.

1. Read and prepare flashcard questions for pages 1 - 50 On New York Practice Procedures.

2. Complete Intermediate Level Constitutional Law Questions 1 - 36.

3. Review answers to Con Law questions. (And not just going yeah! I got it right!)

4. Read and prepare flashcard questions for pages 51 - 100 on New York Practice Procedures.

5. Go through already prepared flashcards on Criminal Law and Criminal Procedure two times. Set aside all incorrectly answered. (I'm expecting a large pile.)

6. Complete Intermediate Level Crim Law and Crim Pro questions 37 - 77.

7. Review answers.

8. Read and prepare flashcard questions for remaining New York Practice reading.

9. Review previously incorrect flashcards until memorized or until brain slowly
leaks out of ears.

And yes, I know, I'm sure you're all very jealous. But really, it takes a special sort of girl to have this much fun!

I can't even believe this.

Got some rather shitty news today. Was attempting to follow our daily lecture, (still on property today) when somehow Ash and I got into something about framing our diplomas and law licenses and whatnot. Anyhow, after we take and pass the danged bar exam (which, I must point out again, has cost me 250 to TAKE the test, and 2600 for the prep course), we are also privileged to spend ANOTHER 500 bucks for the actual license. I mean, wtf? Is there ANY other way they'd like to get money from students who are thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt and stressed beyond belief? But to carry on my ranting, that is not the worst part. Turns out the licensing process now takes longer. So instead of being licensed to start practicing in fall, it won't occur until JANUARY. So I will have no money coming in until then. I'll have to use graduation cash just to pay for the damn license. Honestly, I should have become an escort. Or an exotic dancer. Liccie, Esq. my ass.

Does one really need a subject?

Okay. So I've had this thing forever and have never written in it. Someone told me that I'd look back at this summer and laugh. I suppose I'll write some of it down and see whether they're right.

I take the New York State Bar Exam in about six weeks. Can't say that the whole process is particularly fun. Today we reviewed real property, which means I was privileged to revel in the Rule Against Perpetuities and the property grip of the Dead Hand. (Don't worry, I don't know what they are either.) Okay, I guess technically I do. Maybe I do. I *think* I do.

Uh, the dead hand involves a general rule that the court doesn't like people controlling their property from beyond the grave overly much. Hence, no control from a dead hand. And the rule against perpetuities is in the same line. Land should not be held up perpetually. So a guy can tie up his property for the entire lifetime of a named existing person, and for 21 years after that person snuffs it. If one writes a naughty will trying to make it go further, the court strikes out the relevant portion to make it fit the proper length.

So it appears I do know it. Not that any of you care. I don't even think I care. I'm feeling apathetic today. I feel apathetic a lot lately. Either that, or angry. Take your pick. At least I'm not hungry, one thing to be said about pizza hut, that stuff stays with you. It's been about nine hours and I'm still full. Then again, after what I ate, I SHOULD still be full!

No idea if I'll keep this up or not. Probably not, but if I do I shall return and dazzle with more legal brilliance and confusion.